"Every moment is a poem if you hold it right"
I think I died a little today.
When I realized after so many years, I still wasn't seen.
It's not really the purpose of this blog, rather, an important layer that's been overlooked for far too long.
When I was a teenager, I would spend countless hours reading lyrics - I studied them like maps.
I used an old typewriter and glued them to the inside of notebooks.
When I was in College, the way I entangled words together - drew them out like a line for wet hanging clothes - my English teacher was so impressed that she saved a copy of my first paper for her future classes. Somewhere I have a note on one of my papers from her "Please don't ever stop writing..."
Despite my seemingly seamless "talent" & passion for words, my structure needed help.
The bones were not aligned.
I had to work on the foundation.
That is where it started.....ain't that the usual story.
Sometimes we start in the middle you know, some stories work their way around, all over, from middle to the beginning to the end.
I don't know much about my own story sometimes. I wasn't given a fair start if i'm being honest.
A lot was written before I could even read.
There have been moments words have been spoken to me that felt like a punch to the gut, like I should start running and never look back.
It feels unreal sometimes that i'm still here, still learning whatever lessons these moments are equipped with.
& through all the trauma of loss, you'd think we'd have a new love for life.
I am not sure you learned that lesson yet & I don't know if i'm the one to stick around & wait for you to.
Perhaps the writing stopped when my feelings became too much.
Too much for me to navigate & for you to keep tarnishing - it became heavy, didn't it?
The weight of my needs, the weak muscles of your empathy & curiosity.
The wonder you were never allowed to feel as a child became your darkest cloak of armor & i'm sorry for that.
So here we are - the thin line that always is, the words you claim I don't care about because it's not the perfect definition of a "poem".
The ways in which you steal moments of joy, moments of peace, moments of my most authentic self trying to peek through, wondering if it's safe yet.
And yet all I can do wonder where I went wrong, what wrong turn I took and what map I need to get me back.
I just want to get back....
These photographs felt appropriate for this moment & visually,
i'm always working with poetry, just to be clear
- humans are the most epic of all.