There are a million and one ways I could examine & deconstruct the pain you’ve left me with. The ways in which you get new phone numbers and simultaneously numb out the past without remembering the 3 kids you raised.
I remember being so young & tiny and you reminding me how many boys would crumble at my feet when I grew older, reminding me I was too pretty to cover my face in make-up, reminding me that all of my beauty marks were perfections and to never be ashamed of them.
Did you realize the boys that would crumble at my feet would have to stand up against you?
Did you realize that they would never stand a chance because you’ve striped me of the ability to trust any man that walks into my life because you walked out?
Every day that you make the choice to not call, not write, and not make sure I’m still sleeping alright. (I’m not.) I have nightmares & the sunrise pierces my half asleep eyes every morning when I wonder if this will finally be the morning you decide to call.
No man can ever make a promise to me that I won’t question daily because you’ve left me with that empty space.
It wasn’t always this way. There was sweetness in the chaos. The back yard snake catching, the offering of your last name, the midnight jam with butter on toast, the way you never questioned my dreams – you were proud of me regardless. I was your Katy-bug. I knew that through and through. The problem is that your voice was loud, your fists flew through walls, and your heart could never handle the pain of your own childhood. The addiction and the constant disappointment within yourself. The falling apart of the marriage was the final straw. You left. We all broke. I think we are all still a little broken. This day is always hard for me. I want to hug you tight and remind you that you never disappointed me. I want you to hear it & to feel it.
And as I sit, still broken, still unable to trust, still questioning everything – I text the last known number … “Dad?”...silence lingers on yet again.
It’s difficult to know what to share and not share. How do you explain loosing someone who’s heart is still beating but isn’t within reach? How do you explain the years & years of love lost and the damage left buried under it all? I just want to let it out, clear the air, and find paths to trust again.