I’ve delayed this blog post because frankly I’ve been busy feeling things rather than documenting them. I’ve been really feeling a lot of things.
I feel as if I have to clear something up. I say that I miss California – a lot. I am sure people here get sick of hearing about how wonderful my friends are in California, or how beautiful the sunsets felt on your tired skin. The problem is that, when I say that I miss California, it doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate Buffalo, and the relationships that are building here. I traded the salty Ocean waves for lunches with my Mom, I gave up “near perfect” weather for cold toes in wet snow because when snow falls it’s angelic and silent and it’s a different kind of magic. I said goodbye to some of my favorite faces so that I can watch my nephews face grow.
I wasn’t callous in my decision to move to Buffalo. I wasn’t unaware of the difficulties ahead, or my intentions for change.
My heart has many facets though, and one of them is and always will be California. I’ll miss it until my heart stops beating, the same way that I miss South Africa on Sunday mornings where my drives up Lion’s head with a spliff and Morcheeba playing can’t happen anymore. I’ll long for it the way I still long for Tennessee and riding through creeks and the midnight peanut brittle makings. I’ll lust after it the way I lust after the Puget Sound’s eager and abundant nature that gives everything it has to you, and expects nothing but love in return.
I’ve lived so many places and kissed too many faces to ever feel a lack of longing for something, or someone. I have to accept this, and for the most part – I do. However, in these usually gray days that are so cold my and little nose feels as if it won’t survive the car warming up – I miss it most. I’m still growing here. I’m still learning and exploring. I am still learning how to wake up here. I still feel lost walking down my own hallway, or confused driving home as if i'm on this long vacation. I am still planting my seeds here. Please be patient with me.
So, when I say that I miss California and it seems as if my world stopped within that moments "missing", don’t feel discouraged or unhappy for me. Don't stop me. Let me feel it. It’s what I do best these days.