Undone


Reflection is something that shouldn’t be saved until the nearing midnight hour of New Year’s Eve, but let’s face it, we often wait until we’re at the end of the road to take a look back. As I sit here watching snow fall in this new town I am calling home, I have no better time than now to really breathe in deep just what I’ve been through in the last year.

I traveled so many roads, lingered in so many bars, and kissed so many different skies to get to where I am now. Driving from San Diego to Buffalo was the best yet hardest decisions of my life.

There are moments in my days where I catch myself missing the open road so much that my core aches. It’s easy to understand why some people live on the road. I get it.

The 5 minute gas station relationships formed waiting for the bathroom, the wrong turns that turn into perfectly right ones, floating down rivers for hours because you’ve got nothing else to worry about, the perfection behind every bite of food because it’s a little slice of local history – some things are just felt so deep in your bones while being on the road that it’s near impossible to articulate.

I know I’ll find myself out on the road again, but for now the memories will linger on my every move and memory.

I still find myself drifting in and out of heartache missing all the places I’ve lived and the faces of so many treasured souls. It’s so heavy to imagine putting roots in Buffalo to one day possibly leave and go through these feelings again. The trouble is that once you uproot yourself, you realize how capable you are of doing it again and again.

I’m not wired to sit still. I can’t promise my life to Buffalo, though right now it seems the universe is finding reasons for me to stay here and I’m absolutely welcoming that. This relationship between Buffalo and I isn’t love yet, but we’re growing on one another I believe.

So, I am raising my coffee cup this new year’s morning to that first swim after leaving that tragic, soul sucking job, to my absolute best friends that crowned me in gold before I left my home city, to a road trip filled with moonlit swims, river drifting’s, and stories from locals after wide eyed question filled lungs exhale.

I am toasting to doors that I swung open, fears I left at the doorstep, and ambition that’s pushing me forward.

XO 2015, moving on now...



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