I'll come closer

I was lying in bed last night and as per usual I couldn’t fall asleep. My head was like a tumbleweed of thoughts just drifting through one another effortlessly yet with an eager intent. For a few moments I pondered pulling out my laptop and writing down some of my thoughts (that would likely become a blog), but then the sickening voice in the back of my head pulled through reminding me that my alarm would be going off at 4:38am.

As my alarm did go off 5 hours later, I reluctantly rubbed my eyes and instantly felt numb again. Numb to the grind of the day to day “job” that pulls you into these caves within yourself where it becomes dark and un-inspiring to even look in the mirror.

I feel shadows of my past lives lingering behind me, taunting me like a raw bitterness of “don’t let this moment slip by, don’t you dare give up this gift.”

My entire life I’ve felt like I was somehow damaged from those past lives and that energy carried over and made me unable to accept a lifestyle that so many of those around me carry on through so easily.

My brain doesn’t work so callously as to shift from moment to moment without a creative driving force and as if a machine is flicking me left or right, forward or backward.

I am wired so differently.

I don’t want to have to fall asleep regretting that I didn’t stay up that extra hour in effort to purge my thoughts and emotions just so I can “function” at work. I don’t want to become so consumed in “turning off from the day” that I turn off completely.

I moved to Buffalo for a different life, a better quality life. I moved here to open doors and allow aggressive changes to happen. I know this is a step forward, even if it’s just a gentle reminder of what path I didn’t want to get stuck following here.

I don’t know at this point if this makes sense…I just don’t want to fall asleep tonight without some sort of acknowledgment that I’m here – to do more – to feel more – and to breathe with more purpose.