Hanging on

“Artists are people driven by the tension between the desire to communicate and the desire to hide.” – D.W. Winnicott

I couldn’t possibly relate more to that sentiment more in my life right now.

I find myself longing for Sunday brunches amongst friends while also perfectly fine moving from my bed to get coffee and then returning back to bed.

Sometimes I spend days on end alone in my loft, only escaping to do laundry or get groceries. Those days are sometimes the most painful, yet the most beautiful. I explore art in my surroundings by nesting. I create visual remedies for the lack of communication in my world. Most of the time I am ok with it.

I do have moments though where a certain song will come on while I’m in the bath and tears just roll down my face (as they’re starting to while I type this); my heart is so heavy – everything feels so heavy.

I understand some days how Sylvia, Diane, and Francesca felt that their breath was just too heavy to keep on breathing. Isolation can be scary. Isolation can be dangerous if not harnessed. Luckily I am well aware of the adjustments I’ve got to make.

I overestimated the support system I would have here, really, I’ve just got my mom. My brothers are …. we’ll just say - distracted. In reality, this is good for me. I know that. I’m comfortable in these feelings and allowing myself to work through it and to evolve.

I’m able to pour myself into my art and I am uncovering desires to photograph things that were buried under layers of myself only being revealed as the isolation sinks in.

That’s how it works right? Artists crave the highs and lows. We long for the magic in a new lover’s eye to explore and equally thrive within the dark despair of depression spells. Or maybe that’s just me. Either way, it’s something I am used to and know very well about myself.

The thing is that I don’t want to live my life afraid; afraid of these feelings, afraid of not trying, afraid of being alone or not good enough.

I refuse to settle for that life and in moments where I cry in the bath, or remain alone all day, I remember the alternative is to be “content” and “safe”, which is not in my make-up. I have found so many people in Buffalo are just content, and relating to that has been difficult. I don’t know if I’ll find my tribe here, but I do know I’ll try and even if I never do, I’ll be ok with that because I’m learning to be alone and I’m learning it’s not so bad most days.

(So much for not blogging about emotional stuff – oh the power of changing your mind)!