This is what it feels like...


At first, I considered writing all about my week in San Diego and the horrible pain in my heart while celebrating my Grandfathers life, or the intense emotional rollercoaster of returning to a city I had just said “goodbye” to, or possibly the intense journey back to Buffalo I had, but I decided this isn’t a diary. My blog shouldn’t be about my day to day life, it should be about the emotional nitty-gritty of course, but who really needs a play by play of the hours on end I was stranded in Philly for? I certainly don’t want to relive that (except of course through the few sleepy eyed photographs I took the morning I left, one of which I used for this blog).

So, with all of that being said, there are a few things I need to relive a little bit in effort to try and comprehend what’s happening in my life.

It feels a little strange to sit in this coffeehouse somewhat numb those around me but I have found that so much of my time here has been spent on investing in my photography and art that I am not making time for friends and half-assed conversations. Bring me more. Please, if you plan to hold my attention, deliver more than “I work here” or “I like this bar”.

I promise you that I won’t make an effort. I won’t fake it. I have found in my 31 years that my time and energy is too precious and I am far too comfortable being alone to waste it on something dry and meaningless. I need passion. I won’t settle, even in friendships. I realize this could come off as possibly vain but hey, that’s cool – sit at another table, just not mine.

Which brings me to the same question that I get from just about everyone: “How are you going to handle the winters in Buffalo?” As if I am some wild desert animal who can’t possibly adapt to a colder climate. I mean, ok, I’ll give you that I am absolutely a wild animal at heart (probably why I’ll forever be single – no taming happening here), but I am not a one climate creature. I am capable of buying a heavy jacket, good boots, and investing in ensuring my body is warm. I understand this won’t be an easy transition, but seeing the look in people’s eyes when they ask that “why on earth” question doesn’t really help my transition. For people who decide to stay living in Buffalo, y’all sure do make this place seem a little rotten.

So, I’ll tell you how I plan to “deal” with these winters. I plan to not strictly focus on the bitterness. I plan to let myself drown slightly in the gray and wet atmosphere while bringing myself back to life with creating photographs that hold me upright. I plan to see the falling snow with eager eyes and not fearful fingertips. We live in this beautiful world that allows us seasons to thrive within. Winter is a time to huddle up close to your own soul and figure out how to live in the summer a little more freely. We are supposed to withdraw and reflect upon ourselves so we can be better humans. I found that this was not a practice happening enough in Southern California and call me crazy, but I am wild for weather that forces slow movements, conscious efforts, and some good old self-reflection time. Can it completely suck? Absolutely. What you choose to focus on is a part of the process.

So there you have it. Now, next time someone asks me this question – I’ll direct them here.



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