Rewind


Emotional rollercoasters are exhausting. (I’d like off now).

Some really wonderful things happened this week and some really “close your eyes and forget” things happened. I can’t quite figure out a balance here. (I wonder how many time I’ve actually used that line in the past 6 months).

We should make this a drinking game – but obviously you’re going to have to sit and read all my blog posts in one sitting, aloud, with friends, which sounds terribly depressing so on second thought, let’s not play that game.

Let’s play another game – one where I don’t complain about drinking alone with my cats, or taking a bath with sporadic tears wishing I could call a friend and say “let’s go somewhere..”

(Building a tribe of souls matching souls is complicated & terrifying).

I’d rather talk about how my heart over spilled with joy as my nephew said “I love you” unprompted, or “this is the best day – I missed you”.

I’d like to talk about this amazing little black ball of energy kitten-pawpaw that has brought so much energy and life to my apartment that Mika now doesn’t even notice when I shut my door at night & I hear them flipping each other over for hours of playing.

I would also like to say thank you, publicly to that one client who gave me a generous tip, sweet words of encouragement, and appreciation for miles – you help me keep going on the incredibly difficult days.

I have to remember the wind blowing so hard that the freshly blossomed cherry tree’s flooded the streets with pink-floating magic.

Spring is a beautiful time to apologize for the year before and let the new energy take over.

It’s been a lot of years of pure sunshine for me, so the foggy mornings feel good, the rain smells sweet, and the lime green leaves illuminate my creative fingers.

I have to remember that I left everything I knew by heart for everything that I knew would be hard.

I knew I’d struggle. I anticipate the calm tears & wishy-washy words that I only half believe most days when I have to silently speak to myself “it’s ok to feel alone.”

I have to remember how long that drive was and how long it’ll take to forgive myself for so many mistakes in my twenties, so many moments not appreciated, so many people taken for granted, and so many faces I didn’t photograph enough.

My horoscope told me this week was my week of forgiveness, so I’m forgiving myself for all of this. I am forgiving myself for regrets wasted, for feeling guilty about hurting, and for possibly not knowing the steps to actually handle all of this.

Onto the next chapter….forgive yourself. Appreciate yourself. Go.



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