I’ve thought about this blog post for a couple of days now. For some reason every time I found myself with the urge to write I was stuck in traffic, doing dishes, or in the middle of something that left me unable to get so many lingering thoughts out. How often does this happen? All too often, really. I have also been sick which has left me drifting in and out of dazes sort of just waiting….I am still waiting. Sometimes it’s all I do.
I don’t want to spend too much energy writing about this subject, but it needs addressing.
Every time someone asks me to do a shoot for free, or less than what I charge, I want to pull my hair out. I wish I could make a living off my kindness.
I wish my camera, laptop, website, marketing, and rent paid itself. Trust me. The problem is that it doesn’t. (Now, if you’re wanting to pay me in plants, that’s ok….I’m kidding….sort of).
Please understand, my heart is huge and I get it, really I do, but I can’t and won’t forget all the struggles I’ve been through that led me here and that keep me pushing forward.
By asking me to work for free, or charge less, you’re asking me to forget about the time I ate soup for a week so I could afford to get business cards made, or the nights on end I spent teaching myself how to build a website so I didn’t have to pay someone to do it. I won't even tell you what I went through to get my camera.
You’re asking me to forget the cross-country trip I made to pursue a life full of art & passion, rather than just a life. You’re telling me that I have to keep struggling because you want me to value my time and yours, less. I won’t.
I have a crazy deep heart and a passion fueled gut that won’t let me settle, and I thank my mother more than she knows for raising me with an abundance of that.
So much for not spending too much time on that. Sometimes I don’t realize the depths of my own emotions until it is allowed to be brought to the surface and then it's jump on it, head first, saddle up!
Like so many things in my life, I often find myself within this gray area of saying too much or too little, feeling too much or too little, wanting too much or too little – it’s something I’m still trying to find a balance within.
Some days, like today, I just drove – for hours listening to Chris Pureka’s “So it goes” on repeat.
I had the privilege of seeing her live a few nights ago for the second time and it dug up some silly emotions I’ve buried deep.
I miss a lot that I don’t speak about because it is often easier to just bury down, down, down until I find myself driving and crying over it.
My mom told me today something about how I may never be satisfied because I often find myself imagining these lives that I don’t even know if I want.
This warm chaos of loneliness has become sort of comforting and the absence of a partner is falling all over me in a way that I don’t even know if I’ll find my way out of it.
As I look and see the lines in my hands deepening, I feel my insides becoming shadows, I see my reflection growing older – I wonder what it’ll take for me to slow down and not want everything & nothing simultaneously.
Perhaps it’ll take the right person to flick that switch inside me that I haven’t found yet. I just fear I won’t even give that person the time of day, as I find myself rooting up within this gap, just digging deeper with the walls getting higher.
I suppose it’ll just have to unfold like the spring blooms always find a way to…